If I Were to Compare Thee to a Termite Infestation

Eventually, I was able to calm down, and collect myself; bed bugs aren't the worst thing in the world. And, after cruising the Internet for a week or so, and reading  other people's horror stories, I was able to get some perspective. I also managed to calm myself with what a psychiatrist would probably call Scahdenfreude, which is laughing at others' misfortune. I turned to termite infestation victims.

It couldv've been worse

These poor souls were the ones who really had to shell out the big bucks to fix their homes. Some of them had never encountered a pest control problem before, and this was their introduction to the world of insects in the home. Many of them had to rebuild their homes, or abandon them altogether because they were beyond repair. There were some very sad stories out there. Stories that made me happier about my own problem. I don't recommend Scahdenfreude, as it seems to corrupt what should be natural empathy we have for those in unfortunate situations, but every once in a while it can soothe the savage beast that is self pity.

Bed bug forums

The last time I spoke with you, following my father's suggestion, I had turned to the forum world to deal with my bed-bug induced neurosis. I was frightened and needed to hear the stories of my  fellow afflicted. I found a few comments that really helped me. But...

There were a few others that just horrified me. One guy (not sure if his story was legit by the way) said his mother was driven insane by a bed bug infestation. This guy claimed his mother, who lived in Queens, was a happy person before encountering these nasty little bugs. She found a colony of them living in the corner of her bed one morning, and overnight, became the Howard Hughes of her neighborhood.

Howard Hughes

 She wore latex gloves all day, every day, and would not allow anyone to cross the threshold into her house. It seems an exterminator had come to her house, but the bugs remained. Or at least she thought they did. Whether this story was true is beside the point. Bed bug  horror stories are part of the zeitgeist. Human beings love a good scary story, and bed bugs, in some small way, fulfill that need.

The Diagnosis

That's right. There were tiny spots of blood on my sheets. And not just a few. The bed was covered with them. It was horrifying. My first instinct was to run outside in my undies, get me in car, which I know was ridiculous to have in the city, and drive back to Georgia. But I managed to collect myself in the shower, and decided this had to be more common than it felt. I mean I'd been hearing about these things on the news for years.

I talked to my landlord about it, and of course, he responded in a weird way. I think his exact words were, "Remember when everybody was talking about bombs on trains?" I didn't, and I also failed to see any similarities to my problems upstairs and a bomb on a train. I didn't want to move; the rent was too good, but I didn't how to get rid of bed bugs without burning the place down and fleeing.

the scene of the crime

 I called my dad, and he actually had some good advice. He told me to find someone who'd dealt with it, and ask them. He told me to start online. So that's what I did. It turns out many folks went to the world wide web with their bed bug woes.

As I removed my sheets and put them into thick plastic trash bags, I perused the various bed bug forums, and I kept running into one thing: heat. It seems heat is the bed bug's ultimate enemy. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with this information, but I knew it was start, and that was all I needed to lift my spirits.

And we begin

I know you're a little perplexed by the title of this blog. You're probably thinking, what does how to get rid of bed bugs have to do with anything? Don't worry, we'll get into that. First and foremost, I would like to thank you for visiting, and further thank you for reading up to this point.

OK, bed bugs. That's where this started for me. People who've never dealt with them probably don't realize what an impact these little pests can have on an otherwise tidy person's life. An infestation can be traumatic, and you can't impress on others how inconvenient and unpleasant it is. If you're one of the many who've had a bed bug problem, then maybe these posts will comfort you a bit, and to those of you still unscathed, perhaps my words will enlighten.

Let's start at the beginning. I moved to New York in 1999. I was a young Southern man with big-city aspirations. I liked the idea of a tiny, barely inhabitable apartment in the city that never sleeps. I wound up in Brooklyn, just when it was starting to get cool. Hold your applause please. I found a place with an awesome view of the Hudson, and a stereotypically strange landlord named Jeph. That's right, Jeph, not Jeff but Jeph. He gave me all the necessary warnings about utilities, noise, and garbage removal, but he made no mention of my soon-to-be roommates.

Not my apartment, but similar in appearance.

I spent the first few days acclimating - finding the closest bodegas, the best pizza places, the subway, and of course the liquor store. The place was small, but it had character, and my neighbors seemed nice enough. After the a couple weeks, I was starting to feel at home. It was half-way through the third week that I noticed something was off. I was getting these mosquito bites on my legs and back, which was weird because it was January.

I put a little calamine on them and went about my business, but they kept coming. I had two sets of brown sheets and one set of white ones, so it wasn't until I put on the white ones that I noticed the blood stains. I immediately knew something was up.